i understand everything you say here. i have thought very similar things.
especially the disbelief of Everything. people do not understand. i don't believe in the past. i don't believe in history despite all that is written in their stupid books that i also do not believe in.
and the part about having nothing profound to say. ditto.
i used to say i have no way i Could do it. but now i know exactly how i would kill my self.
i used to say i will always like to eat. and that has held me through many times. but lately times have found me not even interested in food.
i used to say i would run out and do absolutely absurd things before i would kill my self. like go into bad neighborhoods and walk through town naked. but now times find me with no interest in the absurd or dangerous.
the one thing keeping me going is my own story: every time i feel suicidal, it goes away. no rhyme. no reason, that i can identify. it is there one minutes and gone the next. the ideas behind it are alwayz there. but the impetus changes.
someone said something about chemical imbalances. and i have related some of my mood swings to insulin swings. i think i have less frequent swings if i alwayz balance any form of carbohydrate with fiber and protein. but just like any form of anti-depressant this is not fool proof. and i am the master fool.
another thing that keeps me going is i will focus on something. i can't look for it. it just happens. i'll get totally distracted from my thoughts and later find myself Feeling differently. i still have all the reasons to kill my self. but i'm just not thinking or feeling about those reasons because i'm distracted.
in contrast to you, one thing differs for me, i don't believe anyone cares for me anymore. they don't know me. just as i don't believe in the definition of god. i don't believe in the definition of love.
now there is one more power that i do believe in. and other people call it love.. or romance or soulmates.. or 'best friends' .. things change a great deal in the midst of such a relationship. energies are available that were not even evident before. things might fall into place in ways that are beyond coincidence. a 'soul relationship' is not a reason to live.. and it certainly can't be pursued.. it happens or it does not. but that relationship is all powerful. that is the one thing i believe in. no i do not even believe in myself. i don't exist unless at least one other person relates with me on a Real basis. that is where i Can believe in reality. as it is co-'created' relative to another human. this does NOT mean pining away for 'love'. like i said, no such thing as love. this is just a simple human existence with humane Contact involved. our culture provides the opposite.
so with my basic human need to relate with another obviously Not within un-my un-grasp. what is un-me to un-do?
well. basically i get pretty damn bored and every other way of feeling un-good. and boredom leads to all sortz of shit for brains risks and wastes and cruelties. wtf you expect. i dare anyone to blame me for any idiocy un-imaginable.
no subject
especially the disbelief of Everything. people do not understand. i don't believe in the past. i don't believe in history despite all that is written in their stupid books that i also do not believe in.
and the part about having nothing profound to say. ditto.
i used to say i have no way i Could do it. but now i know exactly how i would kill my self.
i used to say i will always like to eat. and that has held me through many times. but lately times have found me not even interested in food.
i used to say i would run out and do absolutely absurd things before i would kill my self. like go into bad neighborhoods and walk through town naked. but now times find me with no interest in the absurd or dangerous.
the one thing keeping me going is my own story: every time i feel suicidal, it goes away. no rhyme. no reason, that i can identify. it is there one minutes and gone the next. the ideas behind it are alwayz there. but the impetus changes.
someone said something about chemical imbalances. and i have related some of my mood swings to insulin swings. i think i have less frequent swings if i alwayz balance any form of carbohydrate with fiber and protein. but just like any form of anti-depressant this is not fool proof. and i am the master fool.
another thing that keeps me going is i will focus on something. i can't look for it. it just happens. i'll get totally distracted from my thoughts and later find myself Feeling differently. i still have all the reasons to kill my self. but i'm just not thinking or feeling about those reasons because i'm distracted.
in contrast to you, one thing differs for me, i don't believe anyone cares for me anymore. they don't know me. just as i don't believe in the definition of god. i don't believe in the definition of love.
now there is one more power that i do believe in. and other people call it love.. or romance or soulmates.. or 'best friends' .. things change a great deal in the midst of such a relationship. energies are available that were not even evident before. things might fall into place in ways that are beyond coincidence. a 'soul relationship' is not a reason to live.. and it certainly can't be pursued.. it happens or it does not. but that relationship is all powerful. that is the one thing i believe in. no i do not even believe in myself. i don't exist unless at least one other person relates with me on a Real basis. that is where i Can believe in reality. as it is co-'created' relative to another human. this does NOT mean pining away for 'love'. like i said, no such thing as love. this is just a simple human existence with humane Contact involved. our culture provides the opposite.
so with my basic human need to relate with another obviously Not within un-my un-grasp. what is un-me to un-do?
well. basically i get pretty damn bored and every other way of feeling un-good. and boredom leads to all sortz of shit for brains risks and wastes and cruelties. wtf you expect. i dare anyone to blame me for any idiocy un-imaginable.