be okay

I don't remember what's wrong with me,
but I look at other peoples' faces and I don't see mirrors or windows.
don't quite feel like a million [tinie] me's I can't keep track of
but I know I'm not a bad mother
and as far as I know I'm not real or here.
The point of no return either never affected me or just wasn't there at all.
How on Earth do all those people reach the sky and fly, and why do they bother any more at all?

i'll be a good person
just for today
then maybe all my bad person days
will be okay

ahh but I know what I'm trying to say.. .

---

wondering wondering wondering and wondering
(as usual),
the only time i do anything is when i'm waiting for what i'm doing to happen.
yeah,
i do feel free,
and armoured in many ways.
daze
grey walls looking over me
everyone in my spot but me !!!
feet full of.. rocks? glass?

i certainly enjoy being full of things,
or filling others up with things.
filling anything up!
i like to be filled,
fulfilled ..filled full of fulfillment.
can't remember what fill means.

(i'm waiting for something I should be doing to happen.. but I don't really want it to happen, because then i'll have to stop doing this. nothing. lately my most desired pastime seems to be staring sideways at the floor next to the bed)

i wish the things that aren't supposed to be hard and aren't EVEN hard.. weren't so hard.. for me.

[every second is secretly a trillion years]