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Sep. 24th, 2001 12:06 pmPerhaps if I wear this hat I'll think it's a thinking cap & I'll be able to say something.
Saying things has always been a bit of a problem for me. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of my moth-er's car 4-6 years old, debating within my head whether or not to say what I was considering saying. I've always done that, & it would be understandable did it concern saying something important, but it was never anything really important. Always something absurdly trivial.
x & I get into arguments sometimes. They're not really arguments, more like disagreements or misunderstandings. Usually misunderstandings. They can't be called arguments because he's the only one who argues. I can never say anything, even when he asks me a simple, direct question. I can't bring myself to speak. It makes him pretty mad. It makes me pretty mad too. Because at those time I have the most to say, and I'm practically screaming all those things in my mind.
My problem with writing is different. It's not that I can't say things or can't bring myself to say something. It's that I have nothing to say. I want to say things. I used to say things. I tend to think that I've already said everything I could say, or worth saying, or that my mind could possibly conceive of saying. I tend to think I've out-thought myself, like there's a limit to the amount of things people can think in their lifetime. Which is absurd. Except it applies to me.
I used to worry when I wrote about myself. That I was too self absorbed & used the word 'I' far too often. I'd try not to use the word 'I'. Now I'm happy if I can do even that.
I'm supposed to write. I'm supposed to write lyrics. The thought seems impossible. It is impossible. There is no way I'll ever be able to write lyrics or poetry again. Perhaps once every three months if I spend all of the days in those three months working on it. But why would I want to write something so contrived anyway?
Why do I have to write lyrics at all? I've written enough lyrics in my lifetime to last the rest of my lifetime. I shouldn't have to write any more/anymore.
Perhaps I can only talk and think and write when I'm by myself. I'm pretty sure all I wrote I wrote while alone, except for a few of those three month deals. Perhaps it's that when by myself I have more time to think because there are less petty other people things to un-think about. I wonder if I started my business to keep myself occupied because I can't think anymore, or if it's a result of my constantly worrying about the business that I can't think anymore.
At least I'm wondering.
I wonder if those accounts have been set up yet...
Saying things has always been a bit of a problem for me. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of my moth-er's car 4-6 years old, debating within my head whether or not to say what I was considering saying. I've always done that, & it would be understandable did it concern saying something important, but it was never anything really important. Always something absurdly trivial.
x & I get into arguments sometimes. They're not really arguments, more like disagreements or misunderstandings. Usually misunderstandings. They can't be called arguments because he's the only one who argues. I can never say anything, even when he asks me a simple, direct question. I can't bring myself to speak. It makes him pretty mad. It makes me pretty mad too. Because at those time I have the most to say, and I'm practically screaming all those things in my mind.
My problem with writing is different. It's not that I can't say things or can't bring myself to say something. It's that I have nothing to say. I want to say things. I used to say things. I tend to think that I've already said everything I could say, or worth saying, or that my mind could possibly conceive of saying. I tend to think I've out-thought myself, like there's a limit to the amount of things people can think in their lifetime. Which is absurd. Except it applies to me.
I used to worry when I wrote about myself. That I was too self absorbed & used the word 'I' far too often. I'd try not to use the word 'I'. Now I'm happy if I can do even that.
I'm supposed to write. I'm supposed to write lyrics. The thought seems impossible. It is impossible. There is no way I'll ever be able to write lyrics or poetry again. Perhaps once every three months if I spend all of the days in those three months working on it. But why would I want to write something so contrived anyway?
Why do I have to write lyrics at all? I've written enough lyrics in my lifetime to last the rest of my lifetime. I shouldn't have to write any more/anymore.
Perhaps I can only talk and think and write when I'm by myself. I'm pretty sure all I wrote I wrote while alone, except for a few of those three month deals. Perhaps it's that when by myself I have more time to think because there are less petty other people things to un-think about. I wonder if I started my business to keep myself occupied because I can't think anymore, or if it's a result of my constantly worrying about the business that I can't think anymore.
At least I'm wondering.
I wonder if those accounts have been set up yet...
