![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
excerpts from a letter unsent
Nov. 24th, 2001 04:20 pmi pretend to make people happy. am i even drunk? i made porcupine balls today and they're atrocious .. but don't taste bad. i'm scared to let anyone else try them.
am i drunk or am i just excusing myself? looking for a release. i don't need a release, i'm sure of myself! anything but.. but i am sure i don't need to express.. t anything. I wonder if not doing so is damaging me. I hope so. i must hope so because i wonder it often. i have so many secrets. shall i express them?
in descending order of how heavily they choke me:
1) i have so many secrets.
god. every time I type out another i delete it. what if they're read? i can't risk it. I don't want anything to crumble right now because i'm sure I'm as happy as i could possibly be.
3) I'm an imaginationless uncreative lout. i collect strained thoughts until i have enough to make it seem as though they just pour effortlessly. and i can't stand revisions. i don't pour over a thesaurus. the first word that comes to mind is good enough for me. 2 is just as worthwhile as two and takes less energy. I can barely divide. i once tested genius - my memories disappear nightly. i had 4 electroshock treatments when i was young and this is what I blame my mind on. I don't remember them - i was asleep.
8) i do get mad. extremely excruciatingly mad. not very often .. but I do. and when i do I can't speak unless it's a positive or negative in response to a direct and very simple question. when I'm mad I scream, rant and rave, positively vibrate with scathingly cruel and witty commentary.. entirely in my mind. my expression even changes with my mind-comments, which are usually imagined conversations which sometimes i mistake for being real.
9) i am so jealous. I can barely witness the creations of others unless they're astonishingly inferior to those of my own. I am so insecure i can't stand to be seen as less than perfection. if I do something wrong i'll never even try again!
my past is so much a lie it may even be a lie to myself.
14) I rarely speak to anyone without lying to them. but that isn't a secret. only I tell each and every one of them that i would never lie to THEM - just everyone else. i'm getting better.. unless i'm in a position where i feel it would hurt ME to tell the truth, including past lies, i tell the truth. I once said i told the truth to the point of pain. it was a lie. truth is nothing special to me. Lies merely protect me.
what am i doing?
there is plenty up my sleeve. whole worlds just in case they're needed.
it's been a slow month. I'm an imposter.
am i drunk or am i just excusing myself? looking for a release. i don't need a release, i'm sure of myself! anything but.. but i am sure i don't need to express.. t anything. I wonder if not doing so is damaging me. I hope so. i must hope so because i wonder it often. i have so many secrets. shall i express them?
in descending order of how heavily they choke me:
1) i have so many secrets.
god. every time I type out another i delete it. what if they're read? i can't risk it. I don't want anything to crumble right now because i'm sure I'm as happy as i could possibly be.
3) I'm an imaginationless uncreative lout. i collect strained thoughts until i have enough to make it seem as though they just pour effortlessly. and i can't stand revisions. i don't pour over a thesaurus. the first word that comes to mind is good enough for me. 2 is just as worthwhile as two and takes less energy. I can barely divide. i once tested genius - my memories disappear nightly. i had 4 electroshock treatments when i was young and this is what I blame my mind on. I don't remember them - i was asleep.
8) i do get mad. extremely excruciatingly mad. not very often .. but I do. and when i do I can't speak unless it's a positive or negative in response to a direct and very simple question. when I'm mad I scream, rant and rave, positively vibrate with scathingly cruel and witty commentary.. entirely in my mind. my expression even changes with my mind-comments, which are usually imagined conversations which sometimes i mistake for being real.
9) i am so jealous. I can barely witness the creations of others unless they're astonishingly inferior to those of my own. I am so insecure i can't stand to be seen as less than perfection. if I do something wrong i'll never even try again!
my past is so much a lie it may even be a lie to myself.
14) I rarely speak to anyone without lying to them. but that isn't a secret. only I tell each and every one of them that i would never lie to THEM - just everyone else. i'm getting better.. unless i'm in a position where i feel it would hurt ME to tell the truth, including past lies, i tell the truth. I once said i told the truth to the point of pain. it was a lie. truth is nothing special to me. Lies merely protect me.
what am i doing?
there is plenty up my sleeve. whole worlds just in case they're needed.
it's been a slow month. I'm an imposter.
