overocea: (Default)
I am noticing little flashes of dark paranoia: like thinking a shrub in my corner vision is some twisted creature spying, or about to attack, till I leap and notice it is but a shrub. but mostly I am happy.. I can't turn my smile off! if I notice something that is sad or mad I am mostly capable of quickly distracting myself, my mind like a twitchy bird, catching ideas like bugs.

my brain wanting to see things in the trees... shapes that are.
we're such pattern pickers.
the veins in my limbs mirror the rivers & streams
the branches & trees
the skeletons of leaves.

I would like to be an empty vessel, blown about by uncommon events occuring in my vicinity.

my left knee keeps telling me it doesn't want to be.. my legbends are much like wingbends.
ah, another bird analogy! am as one, today. a thing of nature.

I could just as easily be a deep-sea creature; jellylike. incomprehensible propulsion. illuminated from within, my own would be the only light for me.
life under pressure
scare tactics & survival mode
temperature & tremor
breathless, voiceless, sunless, lungless.

like a table with two chairs set out at 45 degree angles being so much more inviting than if they were pushed all the way in, merely perfunctory functional.
o, but a construct.. how inorganic of me, she muttered with disappointment.

my flesh is as any thing's flesh. my construction needs more swirls & spirals, but the fractals in my pores & wrinkles will do... for now.
overocea: (Default)
Something I wrote in an email a little while ago:
I've noticed very recently that I slightly dislike a reasonably significant proportion of all humanity! Generally people I consider boring, or not genuine.. you know, they're sweetly nice to a person regardless of how they feel about them, which I understand is necessary at times, but... the thought makes me uncomfortable. Nodding and smiling pleasantly when someone is droning on about a subject you're completely disinterested in, or when you've something important to attend to, or when you feel like punching them in the face because you hate the way they mispronounce empathic... wouldn't you rather know if the person you were talking to felt that way?

Working in counselling I've come to place huge importance on genuineness... it's been drilled into my skull: a vital component of a therapeutic relationship, and I seem to have transferred that to everyday life. Well, good! Except that I do seem to offend people more often. Several people have said they admire it, speaking my mind, in the same sentence as saying that it may rub people the wrong way.
A few days after writing it I.. ate some sugarcubes. Oh, we had a sugarcube party, there are photos that other people took:



Sugarcubes tend to magnify one's personality flaws. This is something one notices in others, of course, but usually not oneself. Well, in the days prior to said party I had been dwelling a bit on the improbability of the accuracy of self-knowledge a bit. So I observed the flaws that were magnified in myself, and disliked them.



Personality flaws I must overcome:

Negativity: I make continuous negative, cynical comments. They are most often jokes, my humour is sarcastic, and amusing, sure! but the unfailing negativity of it is unecessary. My nature is a negative one, of course I cannot realistic decide to "overcome" that (if I wanted to, that is), but can definitely refrain from tainting every remark I make with it...

Detachment: On meeting someone new I often exaggerate my indifference, communicate a vague disinterest in the person, remain remote and mysterious. Why? Schizoid airs aside, I think it may be so that if they end up disliking me, they'll never know I care. Of course this is a behaviour that is only going to increase the chances they'll dislike me anyway..! People like to be liked. There are people I like. I should communicate it more.



That's all. Only two flaws? Well, only two that I've picked out.

"It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge. It's almost as if you need someone else to tell you who you are, or to hold up a mirror for you."

So I could ask someone who knows me quite well my flaws. But... I'm scared they would have some to tell me. I don't really want to hear it.



The party was lovelie, I liked everyone there.. but I don't know how I feel about sugarcubes anymore. Well.. it's bound to not affect a negative person in a positive way, right? It just makes me so awkward, so enormously uncomfortable.

Then again, maybe I just need to eat more.. biscuits with it next time.

Home again

Apr. 20th, 2007 02:45 pm
overocea: (Default)
My last travel post, from home... both thrilled and devastated to be back.

The last two weeks of the journey felt like stolen time; it had to be scoffed down before someone found out we'd appropriated it. Looking back now it's all blurred, and I can't bring myself to write about it. Luckily I've photos.

Trekking in Chiang Mai we visited a mountain village with very interesting accommodation.

Chiang Mai


Ate Tex Mex in Vientiane, Laos, while from our balcony watched a shopkeeper's family have their dinner most comfortably in the street.

Vientiane


Our favourite stop was Vang Vien, also in Laos, a town that seems to exist solely for the pleasure of tourists, who lounge all day in one of 80 cushiony cafes watching Friends on one of the 43569086 widescreen TVs in each cafe.

Vang Vien


But it had gorgeous mountains and rivers. And yes, yes, our favourite travel story: down one of these rivers you can float, having hired an inner tube for around $3. Along the banks of this river teeter makeshift bamboo bars selling beers for less than $1. The bartenders fish you in with lengths of bamboo or rope, then con you into drinking more by offering free shots of rice whisky for every beer you buy. You then float on down to the next bar, chatting to other travellers on the way, paddling drunkenly with your sandals or beer bottles, stopping every now and then to throw yourself off a flying fox or rope swing into the deeper parts of the river.

I didn't risk taking my camera on that particularly wet adventure.

On to the islands, notably Koh Pangan, home to the Full Moon Party. The party itself was unremarkable, however the night before we noticed one of the beach bars had a sign advertising "Happy Shakes."

Koh Phangan


Now that was a very interesting night. Sitting on the beach staring at the horizon, the sky and ocean seemed to fold in on me. We somehow made it back to our bungalow where I lay taking many strange, pointless photos until my memory card was full.



From there to Phuket, which was the most touristy place we'd been yet, but I loved it. Its packed beaches, its tacky knicknacks, its screaming bars, its gaudy ladyboys.

Phuket


and back to Bangkok to furiously shop before heading back home. and get dreadlocks put in, oh what hideously painful fun that was.

back home


Came back home to a reasonably clean house and no dead pets (thanks, housesitters) but Newt, my beautiful fighter, had advanced dropsy. and I've heaps of bills to pay, and a job to find, and oh, no, life is back.

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